fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am one with the molecules
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
