she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
