Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
