Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
