they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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