I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
