thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
