What a fucking waste of an outfit
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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