Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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