I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
