Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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