i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
