dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
