ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
