rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize