Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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