My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
