I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
