I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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