you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
