you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I love how my cats smell like pot.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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