We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
