my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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