Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
