I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
