I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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