you will always have a special place in my vag
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
