just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
