when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
