I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
