Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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