Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize