If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
