Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
