If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
