I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
how drunk are you?
Several
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
