I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
