Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
