i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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