I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
