I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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