hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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