I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
