i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
