i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no, he came in my armpit
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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