@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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