He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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