Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Your penis caused this!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
