She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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