I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
