So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
